Summer 2022 -- identity, privilege, and dreams
Note: I wanted to add specific details and memories before publishing, but time seems to be running out. We'll have to settle for my first-draft.
Summer 2022 was a time of introspection about identity, privilege, and dreams. I roadtripped across the US and travelled across India and Nepal. My country, my mother country, and her neighbor. Three unique experiences as an American, Indian, and a foreigner.
I thought deeply about my identity. I posed the question, "What does it mean to be a first generation Indian American? " without ever intending to answer it.
My time on my roadtrip and the past year of travel have offered me the ability to go beyond confines of my Northeast upbringing into almost all the other parts of my country. These travels have shaped my thoughts on what it means to be an American.
I similarly gained a new and subtle perspective about my Indian heritage. Travelling through many unique cities (New Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, Hyderabad, and Vijayawada) and meeting so many people across varying age groups, wealth classes, and religions helped me reconsider the basis of the Indian identity.
My short time in Nepal allowed me to compare that Indian identity to the Nepalese one and understand where India lies culturally in Southeast Asia.
In the US, I always felt like the Indian guy. In India, I always felt like the American immigrant. In Nepal, I felt like the confused Indian-American.
Most of my time in Nepal was spent in a rural town in Surkhet, where I was trapped without AC in a humid & hot 90 degree ER . Unable to move nor see nor shit nor eat and with an IV feeding me painkillers, nutrition, and fluids, I spent a lot of time thinking about privilege.
I've always felt guilty for having privilege and felt a need to compensate to the world for it. Just to list the first of a few thousand of them: minimal health problems; healthcare; a support system of close friends and family; a good education; comfortable living; not having to worry about money; and air conditioning.
I know these privileges exist and I count my blessings, but most days in NJ/Philly, they fade to the background. Every day of traveling came with a new conversation. I'd often meet someone new who lacked most of these invisible privileges which I took for granted. Having those personal conversations felt markedly different at 19 vs 16 and I'm sure that by 25, it will be a new experience once again.
This exposure to privilege and identity was unintended, yet invaluable. I hold pride in each of my identities, separately and as a whole. I have a better idea where my values lie and the communities that support that. I've finally been able to start letting go of these outward pieces of my identity and prioritize connecting with people on the shared human experience, whether it be our heritage, our language, our work, or the food and drink we have in front of us. I feel like I've been able to transform the guilt I held for having privilege and the confusion I've had on identity and just become appreciative of where I am, the reasons why I've been able to get here, and where I see myself going. I didn't expect this; I'm only inches deep into understanding these long, interconnected parts of myself.