Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg

Emotional Literacy 101: the class none of us ever took in high school, college or beyond, but which is probably more important for our social development than any single other subject. This book is a primer about hearing what people (or yourself) are really saying ("Needing") by practicing empathy, aka complete active listening.

---Nonviolent Communication was mailed to me by a friend's mom, who seemed to be going through her own mid-life emotional crises.---

Reading NVC reminds me of the aspects of myself that make me feel like a good person. I think it’s easy to slip into the mire of annoyance, impatience, and superiority which ultimately ends in me being judgmental and dismissive. That type of person loses his sense of wonder and curiosity. Everyone deserves to be understood — without (my) judgement, advice, interrogation, sympathy, correcting their side of the story, or a “more terrible” or “cooler” one-up story. They just deserve to be heard.

NVC is a great framework. Sometimes, it can feel a little robotic to put into practice though. It's worth thinking through for as long as you need and by replaying past situations in NVC terms, but in real life, I think it can come off as scripted or unnatural if you use NVC as a hard and fast rulebook.

My notes:

• “Bas-Consciousness”: you need not say more, I feel satisfied and am now ready to move on to something else.

  • In India, when people have received the response they want in conversations they have initiated, they say “bas.”

• To tell if it’s a demand or a request, observe what the speaker does if the request is not complied with. It’s a demand if the speaker then criticizes, judges, or guilt trips. It’s a request if the speaker shows empathy towards the other persons needs.

• Paraphrasing often encourages a person to look within, to also reflect on their needs and direct the conversation. Often it is difficult for people to identify what they want in a situation, even though they may know what they don’t want.

  • The time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to accurately repeat what the previous speaker had said.

  • Keep paraphrasing in this manner until people exhaust all their feelings surrounding an issue.

• Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being.

  • "The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind." - Chuang-Tzu

  • “Don’t just do something, stand there.” - buddhist saying

• A rule of thumb is that a speaker has received adequate empathy when (1) we sense a release of tension, or (2) the flow of words comes to a halt.

• We need empathy to give empathy. Sometimes we’re not in a position to give empathy

  • It’s okay to openly acknowledge Screaming nonviolently: calling attention to our own needs and pain in the moment.

  • It’s harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status, or resources.

  • You can “say a lot” by demonstrating that there is nothing someone can throw at you that can’t be translates into universal human feelings and needs.

  • Empathizing with someone’s “no” protects us from taking it personally. And avoid saying “but…”

  • Empathize with silence by listening to the feelings behind it. Don’t let yourself misinterpret it, express the nature of the silence if you’re uncomfortable.

  • Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen. It’s okay to express that you feel impatient and not connected in the conversation and then propose something else.

• Should implies there is no choice. Human beings, when hearing any kind of demand, tend to resist because it threatens our autonomy — our strong need for choice.

  • We have this reaction to tyranny even when it’s internal tyranny in the form of should. If we do yield to the demands, our actions arise from an energy that is devoid of life-giving joy.

• Self judgements: I myself am not behaving in harmony with my own needs

• NVC Mourning:

  • What unmet need of mine is being expressed by a moralistic judgement?

• NVC Self-Forgiveness:

  • When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?

• Self-compassion is being able to embrace all parts of ourselves and recognize the needs and values expressed by each part. Change in a way that is (1) in the direction we’d like to go and (2) out of respect & compassion rather than self-hatred, guilt or shame.

  • There is a world of difference between doing something for others in order to avoid guilt and doing it out of a clear awareness of our own need to contribute to the happiness of other human beings

  • Some bad motivations: for money; for approval; to escape punishment; to avoid shame; to avoid guilt; to satisfy a sense of duty.

  • The most dangerous behavior of all my consist of doing things “because we’re supposed to.”

• Anger indicates that we’ve moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on which of our needs are not getting met.

  • Example: if someone arrives late for an appointment and we need reassurance that she cares about us, we may feel hurt. If, instead, our need is to spend time purposefully and constructively, we may feel frustrated. But if our need is for thirty minutes of quiet solitude, we may be grateful for her tardiness and feel pleased. Thus, it is not the behavior of the other person but our own need that causes our feeling.

  • Anger is absent when we have consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs.

  • Use anger as a wake-up call:

    • I am angry because they… to I am angry because I am needing…

    • It's not what the other person does, but the images and interpretations in my own head that produce my anger.

  • Violence comes from the belief that other people cause our pain and therefore those people deserve punishment

• How to increase the possibility of getting your needs met: (1) empathize with the other person in the moment or (2) express nakedly what you are feeling and needing

• Judgements of others contributes to self-fulfilling prophecies. The other party is unlikely to be interested in our needs because they have become defensive and aggressive

  • ex: by the very act of judging someone as a liar, you signal to them not to tell the truth because they know they will be judged and punished for doing so... same goes for those who are judged for cheating, being greedy or irresponsible, etc

• Expressing anger: (1) Stop & breathe. (2) Identify judgemental thoughts. (3) Find out our needs. (4) Express our feelings and unmet needs.

  • It's ok to say, after expressing needs, "I'd like you to tell me how you feel when I tell you this."

  • Stay conscious of violent thoughts that arise in our minds, without judging them.

• The more we hear them, the more they'll hear us -- use the detective hat to find out what they are feeling

  • "Are you feeling ___. It appears that you may have had ____ experience with ____." ---> continue to paraphrase back until you've hit the nail... let them release their judgements.

  • Philosophical why? -- Because I wanted to see the beauty in him, and I wanted for him to fully apprehend what I had experienced when he made his remark.

  • Recognize common humanity --> Hear what goes on in peoples' hearts instead of getting caught up with the stuff in their heads

  • Our need is for other people to truly hear our pain. After the other person feels understood, let them hear the pain you felt when you heard their words.

  • People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault. Let them know that you do not blame them and have no desire to blame them.

    • As soon as people think they did something wrong, they will not be apprehending our pain

    • Sometimes they agree with it and behave the same way... if we sense blame entering their mind we need to slow down, go back, and hear their pain for a while more

• Anger

  • List the judgements that float in our head using the cue I don't like people who are...

  • Collect all such negative judgements in your head and then ask yourself: When I make that judgement of a person, what am I needing and not getting?

• Conflict resolution

  • Strategies for both sides' satisfaction, not necessarily compromise (wherein everybody gives something up and both sides can be unsatisfied)

  • Each party needs to know that their own needs matter and they are conscious that their needs and the other person's well-being are interdependent

  • When you make the connection (a clear, specific statement of the other person's underlying needs), the problem usually resolves itself

  • Process

    • (1) Express our own needs; (2) Search for the real underlying needs of the other person, no matter how they express themselves; (3) Verify with the other person that you're each interpreting each others needs right; (4) Empathy; (5) Propose strategies (actionable tasks) in positive language

  • Needs contain no reference to anybody taking any particular action. Strategies refer to specific actions that specific people may take

  • Often people analyze each other ("The problem is you're totally insensitive and irresponsible") or ("I need to get out of this marriage") or ("That's a stupid question"). We can often guess at peoples' strategies before we even understand their needs

  • Intellectual analysis is often received as criticism. Criticism and diagnosis get in the way of peaceful resolution of conflicts, and conversations go towards self-defense and counter-accusations rather than resolution

  • Even if you guess the need wrong, it's ok because you're still focusing on the other person's needs and they'll sense that

  • People often need empathy before they are able to hear what is being said (often, just listen and wait 7-15 seconds after they finish, but it's okay if they continue to talk again)

  • Present language statement refers to "Would you be willing to..."

  • Action language requires action verbs. Focus on what we do want rather than what we don't want.

  • Actions verbs typically capture Something that we can see or hear happening -- something that can be recorded with a video camera

  • Non-action language. ("Give me the freedom to grow") is judged as being domineering and doesn't tell exactly what someones needs to do to meet their needs

  • When they say "no" they're saying they have a need that keeps them from saying "yes" to what we are asking

• Mediation

  • The objective is not to get the parties to do what we want them to do... that's politics

  • Sometimes expressing empathy to one side can be perceived as favoritism... apply emergency first-aid empathy like "So you're really annoyed, and you need some assurance that you're going to get your side on the table?")

  • Stay conscious of where one party left off so you can return to what the party said after the other party has been heard. Visual tracking reassures people they're being heard too.

  • Who needs what right now? What are their present requests. Discussion on the past and what people want to happen differently in the future will happen, but conflict resolution can only happen in the present

  • If there are a lot of stories, use role-play to speed up the mediation process. Play the sides of both people and check-in with them to see if they feel accurately represented

    • Rosenberg periodically turns to the other person whose role he's playing, addressing them as "my director" to see how he is doing

  • If people shouting at each other, interrupting is ok to restore the process.

    • "Excuse me me, excuse me, EXCUSE ME! Could you tell me back what the other person said?"

    • "So you're feeling so full of distrust right now and really need some trust that people will do what they say?"

  • If the parties won't get in the same room, the use of recorded role-plays may be the answer

  • Often you should refrain from expressing your own needs regarding people's behavior until it is clear to them you understand and care about his or her needs

• Punishment

  • Question 1: What do I want this person to do?

    • If we ask only this question, punishment may seem effective  because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence someone's behavior

  • Question 2: What do I want this person's reasons to be for doing it?

  • When we fear punishment, we focus on consequences, not on our own values. Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.

  • The punitive use of force tends to generate hostility and reinforce resistance to the very behavior we are seeking. Blaming and punishing fail to contribute to the motivations we would like to inspire in others

• Resolving internal conflicts

  • Depression is indicative of state of alienation from our own needs. Judgemental terms and phrases such as should, wasting my education and talents, and can't handle often litter out in internal dialogue.

  • The ability to hear own own feelings and needs and empathize with then can free us from depression; NVC helps focus on what we are truly wanting rather than what is wrong with ourselves

  • "NVC pill": When a, I feel b, because I am needing c. Therefore I would like d."

    • Voice 1 ("Career woman"): I should do something more with my life. I'm wasting my education and talents.

    • Voice 2 ("Responsible mother"): You're being unrealistic. You're a mother of two children and can't handle that responsibility, so how ca you handle anything else?

      • NVC Pill: When I spend as much time at home with the children as I do without practicing my profession, I feel depressed and discouraged because I am needing the fulfillment I once had in my profession. Therefore, I now would like to find part-time work in my profession

      • NVC Pill: When I imagine going to work, I feel scared because I'm needing reassurance that the children will be well taken care of. Therefore, I now would like to plan how to provide high-quality child care while I work and how to find sufficient time to be with the children when I am not tired.

  • Defuse stress by hearing our own feelings and needs. Also defuse stress by thinking what the other person might be feeling or needing.

  • Research shows that diagnoses of patients in mental hospitals depended more upon the school the psychiatrist had attended than the characteristics of the patients themselves

  • When he avoided diagnosing people or "interpreting their feelings" and instead stayed connected to the life going on in them and in himself, people usually responded positively

• Appreciation

  • Conventional compliments often take the form of judgements, however positive, and are sometimes intended to manipulate the behavior of others. Instead, express appreciation to celebrate

  • Saying "thank you" in NVC: (1) this is what you did;  (2) this is what I feel; (3) this is the need of mine that was met

  • Receive appreciation without feelings of superiority (egotism)) or false humility ("Oh it was nothing")

    • "I would like to thank you in a way that we Sufi Muslims do when we want to express special appreciation for something." Locking his thumb onto mine, he looked me in the eye and said, "I kiss the God in you that allows you to give us what you did." He then kissed my hand.

    • "God has given everyone the power to enrich the lives of others. If I am aware that it is this power of God working through me that gives me the power to enrich life for others, then I may avoid both the ego trap and false humility."