Imposter // Scratch Pad - Oct 1, 2021 12:58 AM

A note I wrote to myself: Oct 1, 2021 12:58 AM

At the end of the day — one person calling some bullshit (real bullshit, on my side) ruined my day. One experience soured the taste and made a great day feel meh. It brought the bitter taste of reality and it brought frantic anxiety too. I appreciate it, honestly. But I can’t help but feel like an abject failure. Like, I’m still worthless. That for all my efforts, I’m still a nobody. And when I’m around a somebody, it hones in the feeling. That there is no easy way because this is the real world and I’m with real people now, not family and friends who have my back and my best interests. I’m still a fucking rookie; I’m still fucking worthless.

I’m ready to fail though, because that’s what failures do.

Because I retain hope that eventually, I’ll become worth *some*thing. And it’ll be built on top of my biggest struggles and shameful failures— but that’s what will make it worth anything at all (to myself) in the first place. I can’t help but hope that I place my expectations, value for myself, and my own failures at a higher priority than I do other peoples judgements and opinions of what I’m worth. Because then, when I’m around a real *somebody*, I won’t feel like an imposter. Maybe, still, I won’t feel in place, but I won’t be an imposter.