Between The Mountain And The Sky by Maggie Doyne

I'm reading Between The Mountain And The Sky by Maggie Doyne and it's made me so inspired. Just as she is a mother, I want to be a father. Her chapter, Dead Plants, in which she recounts her experience coping with the loss of her son Ravi brought me to the brink of tears and has defined a sense of love that I'm simultaneously eager and reluctant to feel. I just can't begin to imagine what that depth of loss must feel like.

"I have found these past few weeks that it's only the women who have lived through the unspeakable who know what words to say. Everything else from anyone else cuts like a knife."

I can't know what she feels but I know what she means. Truthfully, emotional conversations regarding other peoples emotions have always been something I've struggled with. I'm reluctant to say "It's going to be okay" because (1) maybe it won't be and (2) I don't think hearing that is going to make someone feel any more understood.

I also realized pretty early on that most people don't want to hear possible solutions to their problems. In the rare case they don't want to simply vent, asking them worthwhile & tough questions and nudging is much more effective than writing it out for them. Figuring out their own solution usually is much more sustainable.

I have a few friends who struggle with mental health problems that I simply can't relate to with firsthand experience. My only response can be non-verbal: a warm embrace and some silence -- because there's usually nothing more for me to say and all I want is for them to feel safe/understood.

"Dear R, the only thing worse than losing you would have been to never have loved you at all."

Or if it feels right, I can crack a joke